...so I consider my past couple of weeks at theological college either the experience of someone having a crisis of calling or the wearing off of a honeymoon period or simply a maturation into the realities of what ministry is really going to be like. I have not decided which one it is yet.
There is this feeling you see that I am never doing anything particularly well. The essay would be better, if I didn't have to deliver that presentation, the presentation would be better if I didn't have to attend that meeting or organise that kids club, the kids club would have been better if I hadn't had to research the history of the Northern and Southern Kingdoms in order to keep up in class and that would have been more through, if I also didn't have a family with whom I need to spend some time once in a while ...so when we are also asked if we want to try being street pastors or deliver goods to the Arches or volunteer for assisting at the table-top sale, the sighs are big and the feelings are worse when we decline.
Is it a crisis of calling? Well, sometimes I forget about God altogether and wonder how I got myself into all this, then I remember the reason for it all, Him and it doesn't seem so bad but I am asking why? I am wondering whether He (God) and them (the Church) got it wrong. I am imagining scenarios where they say, 'Well, good try but perhaps not, after all.'
Has the honeymoon worn off? Maybe. I miss God. Yes, weird. It's just that I am learning so much about God, I miss talking to him and worshipping him. These things happen but the balance seems to be all wrong. There is the formality, the liturgy, the expectation. But it is as if the expectation is placed upon us. What are we going to do?
'What is God going to do?' I want to say and yes, I know it's about him working through us but again it seems a little off kilter.
Am I simply understanding more the realities? The never doing anything brilliantly is about working in the best way you can with the time you have and prioritising. The tensions are those of the inbetween times, the groans are those we all share over our own ineptitudes and the problems of earthly existence in general. We live in the heavenlies too, I know. We have a dual citizenship but the plane I am on seems to have temporarily run out of fuel, I can not get off the ground and the sound of the revving engines and the speed of everything shifting so rapidly around me is giving me a serious case of vertigo.
...so the ground is shifting
...and I am finding it hard to keep my balance...