Last minute wobbles
Tarshish - is it warm there?
I sign on the bottom line tomorrow - it's just my papers. It all gets sent off to the advisors and I am having some wobbles, I think, well, not quite. The passion has not died but there are just some things I am over-analysing.
Last night I was phoned up by a friend after I'd come pelting down the stairs from having put the children to bed, hoping to catch the last ten minutes of Eastenders (I know...habit I can't give up). My friend from house group asked me to send prayer information out about a friend who needs protection from infection after undergoing an op on Monday.
I started to scribble details on the nearest piece of paper to hand, realising mid-scrib it was my daughter's masterpiece (tinfoil, sellotape, paper creation which she had completed in after-school club). I then did a dishonest thing. I cut off the bit I'd scribbled on and tried to make good by adding extra sellotape. But I left the evidence in the middle of the kitchen table by accident, not throwing the scribbled-on bit away.
My daughter is four but incredibly sharp and observant, unlike her big sis who lives in a dream world. She saw the remnant of her picture this morning and lost it! I am at this point trying to leave the house for college as close to 7 am as I can to get there for 8am prayers.
I leave, she screams, daddy comes to investigate why there is so much commotion and I drive to college gutted.
My prayers were scribbled all over her work. I wrecked her work.
Is this symbolic of the conflict that I am going to feel about the church and my children?
Are they going to resent me for being at Church when I could be with them?
Is the Church going to welcome my children if I work for the Church?
Can I juggle it all?
What if I can't do it?
Is it really a tough place for women and especially mothers?
Why did David Runcorn say it makes him weep to think of what his wife has gone through as a priest and a mother?
Christina Baxter prayed for me on Monday that as my family have perhaps less of me, they come to have more of God's blessing and that his generosity will make up for any sense of initial lack. I think I might need to keep praying this one through.
Ordained Anglican. Thinking out loud about church.