1.6.09

Oh heck - I'm back

Woah! Serious 24 hour crisis there - not quite over it yet but getting there. My head is in a spin. There was immediate concern when I stopped blogging - ah! You care guys - thanks! It all just got a bit much. I panicked. The whole vulnerability thing just got me big-time. But it's okay - I think. I know! I have some really awkward personality traits - I hope God can use me in my weaknesses and failings - I spill and splurt. I let it all out. I think too much. I over-analyse what people say to me. I want to do the right thing by people but sometimes I mess up. I get over-excited, caught up in a vision and a plan. I don't always rest. I do too much. I'm too busy. I need to 'be' a bit more. I want to be all things to all people - I can't be. I want the whole world to sing a great big song together - get real, Rach. I am an idealist. I dislike conflict. Toughen up Rach! Grow up Rach. I'm bottling it a bit. I think I have to be the finished product. I think I'm not good enough. I'm thinking they should turn me down. I'm thinking I might have bitten off more than I can chew. How did I get here? Why?

Is it you Lord? Did you speak Lord? I have heard you calling in the night? I am here Lord. (Love that hymn.)

Don't worry - I'm not going doo-lally - at least I don't think I am. It's pride. Pride. Big time getting in the way. Sinful nature stuff - the voice which says - you nutter - you're already at theological college and you're going to selection - how are you going to feel when you return next year to tell them you didn't get through

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A little background reading on the two theological integrities in the Church of England regarding women in ministry.