Praying for a particular fruit

The journey through the Church of England system is also my journey with God and other people and as with all things it has its highs and lows. At first for me there was such excitement. There was energy, anticipation and expectation when I first discerned in 2006 that God was going to present me with a very new pathway September 08. I had this overwhelming feeling at Alpha 2006, which I went on to renew my commitment to God, that life would never be the same again. I shared my convictions with my table leader. Sure enough, In September 08 I started theological college in Nottingham.

Of late, the journey has been exciting still, yes, but also quite painful in that the Holy Spirit has been gently convicting me of some of the things that I need to work on in my life. This has come about through me being led to reflect on certain conversations I have had with people in which I haven't always been graceful or gentle. I have revisited many exchanges. I have been led to see some of my failings. I can sometimes talk too much, I get carried away, I can get over-enthusiastic. I can be, at times, a little impetuous. I am praying for a particular fruit - gentleness. I have also had my eyes opened by readig all of the references that have come in about me, which are travelling through cyber-space to my DDO and those bishops I will meet in July. You feel very much under the microscope. You are a small insect, the magnifying glass hovers above and the sun which has its rays magnified and whose rays are shining on you, are, I think, the light of God, just highlighting some of the dustier parts of your person, which you have let get dusty and left unattended for too long. You get to see the muck and debris so clearly but there is acceptance (to an extent) I will only ever be perfect in Christ, there is frustration (when am I going to become the butterfly?) and there is hope (God will be able to use my weaknesses to his glory) - this one takes a lot of faith - but even I am not a project too impossible for God!


Anonymous said...

keep smiling - and don't over analyse :-) they're not looking for perfection now, but potential; dwell on the encouraging good stuff in the reports as much as the challenges! (and don't panic, it's not actual bishops you'll be meeting at BAP, but advisors to Bishops (mind you, is that less scary?! I dunno!))

Rachel said...

Thank you for the encouragement
love Rachel


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