God works through people when they are not even aware of it. Isn't it amazing that we might be impacting people's lives in such significant ways through the power of the Holy Spirit and we are not even aware of it.
One day I would like to communicate to all the people who have had an effect on my spiritual journey just how important they have been - to Peter and William and Jill and David and Helen and Mark and Diane and Dee and Pee and Joy and Sara and Clive and Lizzie and Dan, Mat and Nat and the special people at Lee Abbey and countless others I have failed to mention.
Sometimes I nearly do and fears about being considered rather gushing sometimes hold me back. The other day I really had to fight against an overpowering urge to declare aloud - I love you family - as I reflected back from the comfort of a lovely sofa in someone's front room as we all reflected together on Christ's Passion at house group. It's a shame we can't say these things more often but sometimes our Britishness and the Britishness of those around us prevents us.
So here I am, late on a Saturday night still wrestling with myself and those forms for my DDO. I have swung all week between joy and fear and still can't bring myself to say the 'O word'. I don't use that word at all, when explaining it to people, only that i have to fill out some forms so that the church might be able to discern if they can one day employ me in some guise.
I am yet to really commit to ink the things that have shaped me spiritually but it's already written up in my head.
That I will tackle tomorrow.
So I just read through what I'd written already and I have such worries. Does it all sound too idealistic, do I really know what I am talking about? Why am I doing this? Ah - I'm making myself so vulnerable etc.
I then came across Bishop Alan's video of his grand-daughter (correction daughter) (that's me thinking all bishops are of a certain age when they aren't) in the snow and it was wonderful to watch.
I feel just like her, overwhelmed by all the wonder of it and daring to step out in anticipation that whilst it might feel a little strange, it is very beautiful and though I might slip up, there is someone walking with me, watching my every step, not holding onto me quite because they trust that I can do it but ready to catch me as I fall.
So I will try to carry this with me as I move to Friday and the day I go back to the DDO to hand in the forms which underline my commitment to this sense of calling on my life.
Thank you Bishop Alan.