10.2.09

In for a transformative Easter

I've got a feeling that this Easter will have more of an impact on me than perhaps any other.

One such Easter I've had already was when a very good friend of mine lost his wife to cancer on Good Friday. It was the first time I had been close to an untimely death, having only ever before lost people from my life who had been elderly. I experienced a very significant period of angst, even rage and then a strange kind of peace which took a long time to come through many conversations with God and much ink-stained paper as I rattled off my thoughts in a letter which I didn't end up sending to the bereaved friend because it ended up being a very different kind of letter.

There was then a spiritual landmark experience where something seemed to snap as I heard a sermon at her funeral on Rev 21 and 22; a conversion moment in terms of what it would mean I would decide to do with the rest of my life. The friend is not aware of the significance of this moment because there is something that I find very difficult and embarrassingly egocentric in any imaginary conversation in which I discuss the death of his wife as the period of my spiritual awakening. It seems almost awful and awe full to make his period of pain into my discernment of the joy of God, it seems wrong and it seems to take the focus away from her and onto me, I want the focus to be on God but I don't trust my ability to explain the event in a way that will elevate it to what it is. I fear I will sound foolish and pollyannerish. I will fail because I will be explaining it as the experience of me (a human being)coming to know God quite suddenly when I want to take me out of the equation but I don't know how. I can't take me out and make myself 'other'. Anyway I digress...

By the way, just before I return to my initial train of thought re this Easter and why I think it will be transformative, my 4 year old today articulated something so profound...

She said 'mummy, you are not me, I am me, you are yourself and you do not know how I am feeling, only I know that...' Now this was because I simply suggested that from the look on her face (you can imagine) she needed the toilet, and actually I was right .... in the end...but wow - she's only 4 years old.

Anyway this Easter, yes. Well, it's all because we start a college module tomorrow called 'The Work of Christ' so we will be studying theories about the atonement and the teaching will finish at Easter. I wouldn't need to think myself capable of prophesy to predict that I think this is all going to be truly profound and very emotional. I might need some prayer ... oh and any suggestions for resources...whenever I'm not cooking, sleeping, eating, kiddie-stuff etc I'm cyber-searching or reading relevant stuff so let me know...and I need to work up to the more highbrow stuff after the foundational stuff so nothing too difficult please.

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A little background reading on the two theological integrities in the Church of England regarding women in ministry.