21.2.09

Can't get no sleep...

I am having some very weird dreams at the moment which are leading to a lot of waking up, especially after the crunch period of a dream. Last night I woke up saying 'I choose Jesus'. By the world's standards this would be a sign that I perhaps need locking up and actually that is kind of the theme of my dreams - there are lots of voices asking me to follow them instead, last night I was being offered a really rich and luxurious life and being told I was going through some phase. But I was kind of glad to wake up with those words on my lips - 'I choose Jesus'. I was being really tested but I was becoming aware of an inner strength and an ability to argue my way through and that's what I was doing as I woke up.

The night before I was being offered a peach bag that smelt of the nappy sacs which I used to wrap my children's nappies up in. (They were perfumed but what happened is the smell of the nappy sac, even without the contents, soon came to be so heavily associated with the contents, that any smell similar to the smell of a perfumed nappy sac would remind me simply of poo.)

So, anyway, there I was with another woman who was wearing a dog-collar and black shirt and together we gladly reached out and accepted the bag, swearing to carry it, whatever the consequences and I knew that I was accepting the office but disliking it all at the same time.

I think I feel a bit lost, like how did all this come about and why can't I just keep house and go on the annual package deal and kind of get by, you know, with a regular life? I sometimes see myself five years down the line, shattered and overworked and oppressed by the responsibility of it all and tired and doubtful, wondering whether the Church of England and ordained ministry really was the right vehicle through which to connect people with the almighty - oh yiex!!

At other times it feels so inevitable, it's like I have no control over it at all, which for a person like me, who likes to be in control, is really rather annoying. So I have to go through this but perhaps they will all just say, no, dear, you've got it all wrong, not you, go on have your regular, normal life and maybe just maybe I'll get away with it and I'll be let off the hook, it won't be my fault, it will be theirs, you know those higher echelon C of E people, the ones who make all the decisions and they won't want me. Oh dear, oh dear, what's a mixed-up kid to do? :)

This is all because of a certain meeting on Friday with a DDO and already I'm imagining all the possible reasons why I should not or can not go.

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A little background reading on the two theological integrities in the Church of England regarding women in ministry.