23.1.09

My monster....




My monster

My monster says no, no, NO!
His grip is so firm and he won't let go
He's perverted my Bible and highlighted some texts
And I quake here afraid of what he'll do next
He breathes out a fire that engulfs me and smothers
He has me cast stones at my sisters and brothers
He causes me to polarise, pervert and put down
People who have put on my Lord's robe and crown

What will I do with him, I want him to leave
There's a bit of me dying here and yet he will cleave
He's sucking the life from me, darkening my light
He's drying the day and making restless the night
He won't convict with kindness but hangs me out on a line
And the garments he's drying here I know now are mine

Get me down from this place Lord, set me free, I'm enchained
I ask for the indwelling of your spirit again
I'm crying here and dying here and I want to be free
For the smoke and the fuzz, I am straining to see
There's a place I can go, I know, but I'm finding it hard
For my body is broken and my mind is all marred

Let go, you strange creature, I scream and I drown
If I have to keep carrying you, don't press me down
Shrink please to some smaller weight I can bare
Or leave altogether, I don't want you there!

I aim to try really hard to get beyond where I got stuck, polarising Piper and Grudem and Driscoll with my focus too heavy on their views about women - I have created this monster and I am getting tired of carrying it around.

2 comments:

Crunch said...

I am not sure that YOU have created the monster. It has (in my opinion and experience), been created by a school of theology which persists in a sectarian view of humanity which I for one do not find under the new covenant as described in the New Testament or before the Fall. But when you are continually taught that it is God's will that women are to submit to all men and carry out a limited set of roles within the church (despite any gifts and vocation they may have), it seeps into your subconscious and any other interpretation of scripture doesn't get a look in. Imposed worthlessness, hopelessness and a lack of respect from some men who teach these doctrines will inevitably have a profound effect and it is SO hard to move away from these teachings when they are all you have ever known. When you do finally start to open up and examine other interpreations of key passages, it almost feels as if you are treading on forbidden ground, or sinning in some way. What do you know anyway, you're only a woman after all. It isn't a woman's place to question doctrine, teaching is a man's role... Questions like: 'Am I being selfish and disobedient in following where I believe God is leading?' come into your mind. Or: 'Is it all a product of my imagination?' Or eventually and more positively, 'Is God actually leading me away from what could be false theology, and what could be hindering me from following Christ wherever he leads?'. In short, the monster is being CARRIED AROUND by you, but NOT created by you...As soon as you feel able, leave him where you found him, in the arms of those who created him. Who knows what God has in store for you in future days? if I were you i would be VERY excited and encouraged...it sounds very much to me as if you have a strong vocation and calling to leadership and ministry. In the words of the (evangelical) Bishop of Birkenhead when I met him: 'Go Girl!'

Rachel said...

Simply - thank you so much.

I have spent a very interesting weekend with the guy in the 'Pleased to promote...' advert - my cousin Dan and his American wife Anna - they are passionate Christians and into wholeness therapies and reaching the marginalised through the opportunities to be outdoors. They are about to prepare for a 'transforming of others ministry' by treking 2700 miles across America, living out of a tent as they go. They expect to be very transformed by their experiences and use what they learn to benefit others in their ministry. They think out of the box and made me more conscious of some of my own brokenness and need for healing. There seem to be two very conflicting schools of thought about ministry leaders- one school where the broken heal the broken and rest in the brokenness of the incarnate Christ and the other theory where through Myers briggs and other self-analysis or self-healing / self-revelatory exercises you are required to sort 'all of your shit out' first before you are able to minister to others -so is it both or is it each or is there no answer. Just some ponderings.

Thank you so much for your thoughts re my monster - so helpful.
love Rachel

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A little background reading on the two theological integrities in the Church of England regarding women in ministry.